Who's To Blame?

    In early year of 2011, I told you I don't want to study in Science Stream. I failed in every Science subjects' tests including topical tests. I told you I want to study in Art Stream because I know my ability in literature. I know I'm damn good in literature more that science. I told you if I get bad results in SPM, it'll be your fault. I'll blame you entirely. But yet, you just nod without thinking what's best for me. You're too selfish, you know that? You just think about yourself. Hell, you'll leave me drowning to save your ass.

    Now I got an A+ in English subject. Bare in mind, I only got an A+ in English. Can't you see? My mind, my passion belongs to the Art Stream and not in Science Stream. I know I can't understand a single shit about science, I'm talking about Biology, Chemistry and Physics. Since I was in primary school, my dream was to be a lecturer majoring in English language. But now that you FORCED me to study science, I HAD to change my dream to a vet. I know it can be hard but I TRIED my my very BEST to succeed in science subjects.

    I worked my ass off for SPM to get better grades in all the science subjects but I got both C in Biology and Physics, and D in Chemistry. I always get an F in science subjects but I guess you just don't appreciate my improvement, don't you? But instead, you blamed me, and still is. Why can't you just accept me, mom?
You despise me that much, do you? I feel bad enough now for getting bad results in SPM and yet you still want to make things harder and worse for me.

    Should I tell you that after I received my result slip, I was so devastated that I might disappoint you and I was out of my mind? Yes, I was completely out of my mind. I cried and cried that whole day. I know you don't know about this because I know you will say "I told you so" instead of "It's okay, honey." I too had this crazy thought to take my own life. I'm talking about suicide here. I was thinking, should I cut my wrist and bled to death? Or just jump from this building and die instantly?

    Knowing that you still blaming me for my bad results makes me miserable, mom. I know you're jealous of your friends' children's results because they got way better results than mine. But you can't compared me to them. I am still your daughter. Your own blood. Why can't you just accept me for my ability? Before  I received my result slip, my friend told me that her parents will still loves her, even though she will get a bad result. When I heard her saying that, I feel very upset because I know you won't feel the same as my friend's parents. But, I will try harder next time to satisfy you.